Monthly Archives: November 2014

Day I’m-Gonna-Have-To-Come-Up-With-Better-Titles.

I used to be quite the star of the class as a kid. I developed something of an ego about it too (or so I’ve heard people say). Life humbles you. And so, it happened to me. I moved to a different city, an entirely new setting; made the shift from a growing city, to a full scale metropolis. I had trouble settling down and for almost the entirety¬†of my freshman and junior year of high school, I wouldn’t talk to anyone in my class. I got used to the seclusion, but my heart longed to be noticed by the people in my class. I wanted to shine and gain a rep for being the absolute genius that I am, just so i could be noticed by people around me. That was the only way I knew how to make friends. So, I set too high a target for myself (in terms of academics as extra-curriculars were never really my strong suit) and when I couldn’t meet it the first time around, I started being too hard on myself. Hence began my very long battle against performance anxiety. My grades started slipping. I was still a nobody. And I detested myself. This went on for a very long time indeed. I developed confidence issues and couldn’t deal with the slightest of failures, because I was looking at the long line of failures and disappointments before it.

I hit rock bottom. I’d never talked to my parents about these issues of mine, as I’d just assumed they’d never really understand what I’m going through. A couple of months ago, I began to fail in my examinations. This proved to be jarring for my parents because I was a Grade A student. After several rounds of interrogation, I finally spit it all out. I was mildly surprised when Dad admitted to having similar issues as a kid. This was news to me. I couldn’t imagine my Dad, the confident man he is today, in a weak position such as mine.

Long story short, I’m working on emerging from under my own weight. And at times like these, the smallest of victories are extremely significantly, as it gives you a huge burst of confidence. So here’s my victory for the day:

I gave my first stage performance today. We performed Linkin Park’s Iridescent in the morning assembly at school. It was huge success! I was terribly nervous and had cold feet standing before the entire school. And then I started singing. As the chords on the guitar changed, I began to settle in. The toughest part was the chorus. I noticed the school fall silent as I hit the high notes with ease. I heard my voice reverberate around the school. And then I realized, I was getting my high.

I have never given a proper performance before today, and the only people who knew that I sing are my close friends and my parents, of course (they have to deal with it all day, everyday). I have always hesitated to give performances. I decided that i would take the plunge this time. People loved it. And I feel very good about my self.

Quite possibly the best day in a very long time.

Mvs

Day Does-it-even-matter-anymore.

I realize that a 30 day project does not last 6 months. The last time I blogged was back in May. The only reason I stopped because I didn’t think anybody would even read about my academic life and I didn’t happen to have much of a life besides that. Also, something happened that told me that the 30 day project would no longer be necessary.

Why am I coming back now, you ask? It’s that time of the year again. There is some loss that I have to cope with again and I find no other means of get-away.

I should just title this Day 1 again. We’re back where we started. I’ve realized what I do this for. I’m trying to chronicle changes in my thought process, so that I can come back one of these days and analyze what I’ve done right and what I’ve done wrong.

So, I obviously cannot tell you what happened back in May (privacy and stuff; one’s digital footprint can speak volumes about his/her personal life (I should know, I’ve traced loads of people through their digital footprint, and found things I should having necessarily left buried)). Point is, it was someone very close to me. They didn’t die or anything. I might have died for them. I’ve decided I’ve done enough

and grovelling on my knees and that I need to get on with my life. First things first, my priorities need to be set straight. The aim right now is to get into a good college. I’m in the last 4 months of my senior year of high school and it’s time I revisited my books. I have reports to write, projects to submit, which is all very well because I would really benefit from the distraction right now.

Her best friend told me today, that she(this is a new ‘she’ we are talking about) was over me. Somehow, that seemed to hurt me even more, considering I did just go through the past couple of days telling myself that I was over her. But for some godforsaken reason, I’m still holding on. So, I told myself today that I would just up and go. I’d go somewhere she’d never find me again; someplace so far from her that I could forget she ever existed. I convinced myself that one day, when I do finally meet her again, my life will be so much better than hers, that it wouldn’t even matter anymore. And then it struck me. I’m only 17. I’ve got nothing to worry about. I have my whole life ahead of me and I’m being a teensy little drama queen. People have gone through way worse. So then, I pretended I was talking to her, and told her off like I’ve never told anyone off before. I told her she was dead to me. Her pretend presence seemed very upset indeed, and it gave a huge boost of what I’d call ego, more than confidence. So anyway, I shooed the pretend ex away and lay in my bed listening to slow music. I might have also paid Omegle a visit. I was disappointed, much to my surprise(sarcasm). I don’t know why I even go on there anymore. It must be a Ted Mosby thing.

So, I have this whole fantasy of going overseas for my undergrad. I imagine I’ll meet with geniuses (not unlike myself) and we’d brainstorm something new, something different. I’d get to explore a whole new country; new people (*ahem* of the gentler sex). What I want is a change of pace from my regular school life. I know for a fact that if I picked a college here, in India, my life wouldn’t be unlike what it is now, requiring me to study for the better part of the day, all to beat other 17 year olds in a rat race. Things do get extremely hectic around these parts.

Mvs