I used to be quite the star of the class as a kid. I developed something of an ego about it too (or so I’ve heard people say). Life humbles you. And so, it happened to me. I moved to a different city, an entirely new setting; made the shift from a growing city, to a full scale metropolis. I had trouble settling down and for almost the entirety of my freshman and junior year of high school, I wouldn’t talk to anyone in my class. I got used to the seclusion, but my heart longed to be noticed by the people in my class. I wanted to shine and gain a rep for being the absolute genius that I am, just so i could be noticed by people around me. That was the only way I knew how to make friends. So, I set too high a target for myself (in terms of academics as extra-curriculars were never really my strong suit) and when I couldn’t meet it the first time around, I started being too hard on myself. Hence began my very long battle against performance anxiety. My grades started slipping. I was still a nobody. And I detested myself. This went on for a very long time indeed. I developed confidence issues and couldn’t deal with the slightest of failures, because I was looking at the long line of failures and disappointments before it.
I hit rock bottom. I’d never talked to my parents about these issues of mine, as I’d just assumed they’d never really understand what I’m going through. A couple of months ago, I began to fail in my examinations. This proved to be jarring for my parents because I was a Grade A student. After several rounds of interrogation, I finally spit it all out. I was mildly surprised when Dad admitted to having similar issues as a kid. This was news to me. I couldn’t imagine my Dad, the confident man he is today, in a weak position such as mine.
Long story short, I’m working on emerging from under my own weight. And at times like these, the smallest of victories are extremely significantly, as it gives you a huge burst of confidence. So here’s my victory for the day:
I gave my first stage performance today. We performed Linkin Park’s Iridescent in the morning assembly at school. It was huge success! I was terribly nervous and had cold feet standing before the entire school. And then I started singing. As the chords on the guitar changed, I began to settle in. The toughest part was the chorus. I noticed the school fall silent as I hit the high notes with ease. I heard my voice reverberate around the school. And then I realized, I was getting my high.
I have never given a proper performance before today, and the only people who knew that I sing are my close friends and my parents, of course (they have to deal with it all day, everyday). I have always hesitated to give performances. I decided that i would take the plunge this time. People loved it. And I feel very good about my self.
Quite possibly the best day in a very long time.